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nirl_dafox
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Name: Nina
Gender: Female
Expertise: Breathing in and out, walking, smiling, sleeping, dancing badly, laughing at corny jokes, listening to 80's music, writing expertise blurbs on my Xanga?...
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message me
Member Since:
5/14/2005
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Monday the 17th of November I finally got to meet my two little men! James Nolen was born first at 4:42 P.M. and Benjamin Gregory was born two minutes later at 4:44 P.M. James weighed in at 5 lb 11 oz. His big brother was a shocking 6 lb 8 oz. Both boys were way bigger than anybody had thought they would be. I had been expecting to see them as wrinkly red little alien babies, so you can imagine my shock when they showed me these chubby little fellows! I laid there on the operating table and cried with a joy I can't adequately explain. Two beautiful, healthy boys...wow. In the above pictures, the first picture of a baby is Benjamin and the second picture is James. Then, the rest of the pictures show James on the left and Benjamin on the right (except, I don't know who is who in the last picture). When the boys were first laid beside each other to be cleaned and checked, James reached out his hand and touched Benjamin's head, and Benjamin made a cooing noise that James responded to. I was laying behind a curtain and couldn't see anything, but I heard all the nurses all excited about the boys "talking" to each other. I love the pics of them laying together. I can't believe those living human beings had just come out of me!! When Karl came over to me holding a baby in each arm, all I could see above his mask was his eyes, and they were literally shining. He carried the boys like he'd been doing it forever. Our family and friends were waiting in a room when Karl walked in with his arms full of babies. I wasn't there, but I can imagine the frenzy of excitement at that moment!
The boys, while big, are still premature by a few weeks. They were born 34 weeks and 5 days. That means they were a few weeks shy of full term for twins. They've had to stay in the NICU since they were born because their lungs are still developing. Both boys are said to hopefully be home by Thanksgiving.
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| As I write this, I am reclining in a hospital bed, 29 weeks and 3 days along in my pregnancy. The boys are still small, in some ways too small, to be thinking of living outside my womb, but they seem increasingly eager to see the great outdoors that is life outside my rapidly shrinking cervix. I'm already dialated 2 centimeters, and there is little they can do at this point in my pregnancy to stop the boys from coming if they decide even tonight to get out. They are closely monitering me for contractions, and I am kept on medicines to help slow this process around the clock. I've even been getting steroid shots to help the boys' lungs develop faster incase I go into labor soon. James is 2.11 pounds right now, and Benjamin is 3.6. The doctors have had me in the hospital for two days, but as of yet I don't know the extent of my stay. Every day I keep them inside of me is the equivalent of 3 days in the NICU with tubes up their noses and down their throats and bodies trying to grow under heat lamps. I wait and eat and pray, knowing that this is the time when they babies need to be bulking up in preparation of life outside of me. They push and kick and beat me up throughout the day and night, so this comforts me. They are strong, even though they are small. This is a miracle to me. I may be weak, may be sick and tired and aching, yet my precious boys are growing strong from my sacrifice. And I honestly wouldn't have it any other way. The doctors are hoping to keep them in me atleast 4 more weeks. People keep telling me not to worry, not to get upset and anxious, yet I am not ashamed of my fear. I think it is healthy to acknowledge I am worried for their safety, to acknowledge that I feel helpless right now even in my willingness to sacrifice every ounce of my strength that they might thrive. What is wrong is when I let those feelings overwhelm me, taking my focus from God. I can only wait and pray, and give those acknowledged worries over to the LORD. I know in my heart He is faithful and steadstrong, and He will be with me and Karl to the end, whether the end results in tears of joy or tears of sorrow. I feel a strange kind of peace in knowing this today. I had the blessing of some of my friends visiting me the past few days here in this hospital bed, laying their hands on my babies and praying blessings over them. Songs keep singing through my mind, hyms like Great Is Thy Faithfulness and How Firm a Foundation. One line of the latter song says, "When through fiery trials thy pathways shall lie, my grace all sufficient will be thy supply. The flames shall not hurt thee, I only design they dross to consume and thy gold to refine!" I feel closer to God throughout these flames I have been walking through. It has been 7 months of pain, in many ways the hardest thing I have ever experienced. I easily could have taken this experience and run away from God, letting myself become depressed, blaming God for everything that has gone wrong. Yet, I feel full of peace. Our God has held me up, has kept me going, has been with me even unto this moment as I type. I am truly blessed. He has given me two sons.
THIS PICTURE MAKES ME LAUGH. I AM WEARING KARL'S LARGE T-SHIRT THAT DOESN'T COVER MY BELLY AND MY GRANDPA'S 2X PANTS. I AM PREPARING TO STAND UP, A PROCESS THAT I HAVE TO SIT AND BUILD UP STRENGTH FOR. GRAVITY IS NOT MY FRIEND.
THIS IS ME AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE ON THURSDAY WAITING TO BE ADMITED TO THE HOSPITAL. I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO EAT ALL DAY, AND ME AND MY SISTER WERE LAYING THERE TALKING ABOUT CRACKER BARREL AND DROOLING. I LATER INHALED A TURKEY AND DRESSING CRACKER BARREL DINNER WHILE LAYING IN THE HOSPITAL BED. KARL BRINGS ME FOOD, AND I LOVE HIM FOR IT.
I LOVE THIS PICTURE. I THINK IT CAPTURES THE HEART SOMEHOW OF MOTHERHOOD, ALTHOUGH I CAN'T TELL YOU WHY EXACTLY. I LOOK AT IT AND CAN'T HELP BUT THINK OF MY OWN MOTHER. THE TOP AND BOTTOM BLUE DISKS WITH BLUE STRAPS ARE OVER MY BABIES' HEARTS, AND THE TOP PINK STRAPPED DISK IS MEASURING MY CONTRACTIONS. THE ROOM WAS FILLED WITH THE SOUND OF HEARTBEATS.
SMILE!
THIS IS A PICTURE OF MY SISTER CLAIRSE' SLEEPING IN A HOSPITAL CHAIR THE PAST TWO NIGHTS SO I'D HAVE SOMEONE TO HELP ME GET TO THE BATHROOM ALL NIGHT. SHE LEFT EVERYTHING AND HAS BEEN LIVING WITH ME WHILE I'VE BEEN ON BEDREST, MAKING IT POSSIBLE FOR KARL TO WORK AND ME TO STAY OFF MY FEET. THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH WORDS TO DESCRIBE HOW THANKFUL I AM FOR HER SACRIFICE IN HELPING THESE BOYS COME OUT HEALTHY.
ULTRASOUNDS! MY STOMACK LOOKS LIKE A TABLE RIGHT THERE, I THINK...
CLAIRSE' BROUGHT ME A BIG SMOKED TURKEY LEG FROM THE FAIR. THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A BIG HUNK OF MEAT WHEN YOU GET HUNGRY LATE AT NIGHT. LOOKING AT THIS PICTURE, I'M NOT REALLY TOO SURPRISED EVERY BODY WAS LAUGHING AT ME NOW.
BYE EVERYBODY! I'LL DO MY BEST TO KEEP YOU UPDATED. I DON'T HAVE INTERNET AT HOME RIGHT NOW, THOUGH, SO IT MIGHT BE A LITTLE WHILE. I APPRECIATE EVERY PRAYER. REMEMBER, EVERY DAY IS A HUGE VICTORY RIGHT NOW FOR THE BOYS IN ME. UNTIL I WRITE AGAIN! WITH LOVE, Nina, Karl, James and Benjamin Barnes.
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These are pictures of me at 19 weeks along.
Wednesday Karl and I got some shocking news. We had gone to my first ultrasound, and we (me, Karl and his mom) were all super excited to not only see the baby finally, but to learn the sex of the life within me. I've been saying since the very beginning that it was a boy. Karl's mom was convinced of the same. Karl decided he'd petition that it was a girl, just to be difficult and choose the opposite side. Every time (for months now) me or his mom would call the baby "he" Karl would jump in and call it "she." So, when we went into the ultrasound room, we were talking about what the baby was, a "he" or a "she," and Karl made the joke "or both." We all laughed. Twins? No way. Laying there on the table, nervously anticipating the screen showing my baby, the ultrasound lady heard us talking and looked me in the eye, asking, "Were you expecting two?" So, I asked the obvious question. "Two babies?" Me, Karl and his mom all answered the same, "No." We were still laughing about it. Try to imagine now the feeling of the moment when the ultrasound lady responded, "Well, there are two heartbeats. There are two babies in there." I will never forget the feeling of that moment, even if I live to be 125. Karl's mom screamed, and I honestly think Karl almost passed out. I grabbed his arm with a death grip and had instant tears fill my eyes; it felt like my heart stopped beating for a second or two. How does one digest such news? I felt kind of bad for the ultrasound lady, because she kept trying to get pictures of the babies and I couldn't lay still. Every time I laughed my belly shook, shaking the image, and how could I not be giggly at a time like that?! I finally had to close my eyes and just concentrate on breathing. Twins! One at a time she examined them all over, and I was super excited and giggly when I saw that the first one (Baby A) was a boy. We all got nervous all over again when she was examining the second baby (Baby B). Was it a boy or a girl? You should have felt the joy in that room when we knew Baby B was a boy, too! What prouder moment for a man than to learn he's just sired two boys at once? Karl looked so beautiful. He was beaming. Two boys of all things! I was right about the fact I was having a boy, but I was wrong about the quantity of children within me. Everyone was wrong. Even my doctor was surprised. At least now I know why I was so sick that first trimester! I had double every hormone pumping through my body. The only twins from either one of our families was far enough back on my mom's side that I hadn't even giving twins a second thought. I thought they weren't a possibility. Two babies are growing inside of me. They'll be five months old on August 6, and I just found out they both existed. What a day!
Right now I'm trying to stay calm about the whole thing. I admit I can get overwhelmed thinking about everything, but those moments I just have to pray and give my worry over to God the best I can. Everything changed with the news about the twins. Suddenly Karl and I desperately need to move into a bigger place before November, will soon need a bigger vehicle, and everything we were planning on getting for our child just doubled overnight--two swings, two highchairs, two car seats, two everything! Can you imagine buying two things of diapers every time you'd originally buy one? All these worries can seem small, but they can add up fast. The thought that comforts me continually is that God has always known there were two lives in me. He was not surprised to hear that two hearts beat within my womb.
Why should I ever let worry consume me that He will not provide? This is helping my faith to grow daily. I praise God for that. Most importantly, though, I thank Him for the blessing of my womb in such a mighty way. He has given me two sons.
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| The sound of a heartbeat is both a beautiful and a terrifying thing. It screams of life, yet whispers of its own fragility. That one rhythmic beat is the difference between life and death, existence and non-existence. It is the sound that echoes in our limbs every breath we take. Sometimes at night I lay my head on Karl’s chest when he’s sleeping, just to hear the steady thumping of his heart. It is a beautiful sound. Hearing his heartbeat is like feeling my own, because he and I are separate heartbeats, yet in a special way we are joined as one being. I never thought I would hear a heartbeat more beautiful to me than my husband’s, but in truth now I can say that I’ve never heard a sound more precious to me than my baby’s heartbeat.
I didn’t know carrying a child would be this hard. I always thought of the pain as being in the latter part of the pregnancy, the getting huge part and the labor part. I never thought the first months could take such a toll on my body. Never have I been so sick, so drained, so weak. Day after day, week after week, this sickness has not let up, only worsened. I’ve felt like a failure. Days would pass where I couldn’t keep any food down, not even a cracker, where two sips of a drink would send me to my knees. I cannot tell you adequately how worried about my baby I’ve been. I lay my hand over my belly where I know the tiny life is, and I pray that heart is beating strong, even as I feel so weak. Monday I was finally able to go to the OBGYN for my first checkup, and I was eager to go, because I wanted to know that my baby was okay. It was a bad day. I could barely walk, was drained of color and had a heartbeat so fast the nurse freaked out in front of me when she saw the reading on the screen. I don’t know what I would have done without Karl’s mom. She stayed beside me the whole time, even when I was throwing up, helping me walk and stay focused and calm. I honestly didn’t realize how sick I was. I lost 22 lbs in 11 weeks and was so dehydrated that I couldn’t even walk without leaning on someone’s arm. They put me in the hospital for two days. You can probably imagine how worried I was about my little belly bump. When my doctor was listening for the baby’s heartbeat, I think my heart almost stopped in anticipation. Laying there hearing that little “bump-bump-bump” filled my eyes with tears and my heart with peace. My doctor told me the baby’s heartbeat was normal. That little one in me has no voice right now but that steady heartbeat, telling Karl and me that he or she is alive and growing. That sound made everything worth it, even the very worst of the sick times, even the sacrificing of my strength and health and energy. It’s amazing that you can love someone so much you’ve never met.
I’m doing better now. They’ve got me on a combination of medicines that has finally calmed my stomach. I’m able to eat more than I have been able to in weeks, able to drink whole glasses of juice and milk and tea. Things are looking up.
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